The Novice's Guide to the (Lawn Bowling) Galaxy

The North American Challenge was held recently at Laguna Beach Lawn Bowling Club and Gerry Childs spotted an article on their website that he thought would be of interest to our members. It is a light hearted  guide to lawn bowling. It is reproduced by permission of the Laguna Beach Lawn Bowling Club and the author Alan Burkholder. It is quite a long article covering different aspects of lawn bowls so I am going to re-produce it in small chunks for your delight over the winter months. The first part is on clothing.

The Outfit -  Shoes

When it comes to lawn bowling attire the only firm requirement applies to your shoes, which is silly because you don’t actually need to wear shoes. But if you do indeed choose to wear shoes they must be flat soled. This enforces the only sacred commandment in the Lawn Bowling Commandments – "Thou shalt not mess up the green!" Club members and non-club members really care about this. So leave the stilettos in the locker room and find your sole-mates.

For the serious bowler, flat bottom tennis shoes (AKA sneakers) are the way to go. Vans or Converse for the youngsters (under 60), and New Balance or Adidas for the orthoticly impaired. National and international bowlers wear actual lawn bowling shoes. That’s right, you can buy shoes made specifically for lawn bowling. You may want to wait until you win a few big tournaments before you invest in those. Or better yet, let your sponsor provide them, if you ever get good enough to land any sponsorship.

If you forgot your flat soled shoes, barefoot bowling is acceptable. They even have a barefoot bowl tournament in Hawaii. You have to be pretty cool to pull this off in Laguna Beach. Only surfers and others with serious beach cred should try this, and your feet need to be presentable (or at least have an amazing excuse). Toenail polish is optional, and watch out for the rabbit poo. Got partial beach cred? Try sandals, or better yet flip-flops. What they lack in support they make up in volume. FLIP-FLOP-FLIP-FLOP as you stroll past the skip to the other end of the rink. Smile, you’re having a Corona moment. Not recommended for cold winter days.

Clothes You have to wear clothes while bowling. It’s an unwritten rule generally enforced at the Laguna Beach club. White is the universally approved color, but recently it seems to be becoming more of a guideline. Lots of white bowling shirts have color stripes or stars or other designs, and many club shirts aren’t white at all. Many clubs only require white on weekends or are “white preferred”. So I keep a set of all-whites that are for special occasions, like my tuxedo. Otherwise it's white shorts and the royal blue Laguna club shirt for me. Simple, reliable, repeatable, idiot proof. Club shirts are about $35 - $40 depending on the club.

If you and partner(s) want to, matching shirts are OK for a tournament. That is, if whoever makes the choice gets it right. Or if not right, then amazingly wrong. Wild pattern team shirts can become famous. Marshals, TJ Max, and Ross are good for one offs, but you are not likely to get three of a kind in the correct sizes. For matching shirts try the outlet mall in San Clemente.

For cold weather, long white pants are sometimes needed. Just make sure they don’t bag up or sag too much like clown pants. Golfers are really the only ones who can get away with this, so try any golf outlet. Otherwise, back to Marshals, TJ Max, or Ross, because white pants are not available at mainstream stores ever since disco died off.

Hat It can get hot and sunny a lot, even near the beach. So head cover is essential, even for people with a full head of hair. More important than sun protection is the statement it makes about you. A hat is your primary fashion accessory. When you join, you should be given a white Bowls USA baseball hat or a white Bowls USA visor. They work. They shade most of your head and keep you cool enough. They are also about as neutral and low-key as it gets. The Laguna Club has a similar baseball cap that (almost) nobody wears. Men wear baseball caps and they have very specific requirements regarding the bill, material, hat shape, and logo. The Laguna caps appear (to me) to have been ordered by someone who is not a man. If your USA Bowls hat does not provide enough coverage, or if it gets lost, or too dirty, you can move on to your own personal bowling hat. Your choices are:

Your favorite old baseball hat. Your personal hat brings your life history to the bowling green. Worn out college alumni hat or worn out truck driver look. Most people will accept it, if you can sell it.
Hipster flat bill baseball hat. This is on the very edge of the lawn bowling universe. Strictly for the millennial crowd. Do we even have enough millennials to make a crowd?
The off-white fedora. Classic look for the gentleman lawn bowler. Ok coverage, but requires some sun screen. Best if you have a movie star profile.
Off-white bucket hat. Classic look for the slouchy lawn bowler. Works best for those not resembling Gilligan.
Wide-brim straw hat. Classic look for the retired golfer turned lawn bowler.
Crazy wide-brim straw lifeguard hat. Excellent protection. Screams beach, but you might also be confused with a migrant farm worker. Goes well with tank top and baggies.
REI outback adventure hat. Not fashionable, but has very effective sun protection. People might think you have had skin cancer. Who else would wear one of those?
Women’s visor. That is pretty much all I know about women’s hats.

Sleeves Two words here: Skin Cancer. En Espanol, El Skin Cancer. Cover up or slop on the sun screen. A single match will take as long as two hours, and a tournament goes all day. Sun sleeves are a new invention. They are light UV resistant spandex sleeves that protect arms from the sun without sloppy sun screen. These are popular with the gals. Of course long sleeve shirts and under armor have been around forever. If you go with sun screen go big. I use SPF 70 which is supposed to protect me from skin damage even during a nuclear war. It is a gloppy mess and makes your hands slippery when gripping the bowls. The spray stuff is easy and effective and you don’t get your hands all greasy (watch out for your eyes).
Forgot your sun screen? Ask anyone. Everyone has some and will be happy to share.

Towel A towel is completely optional. As a practical matter they help with many things. If the bench is wet you can dry it off. If the bench is too hot or dirty you can sit on your towel. If you spill your drink on your teammate’s equipment you can wipe it clean. When conditions are dry, a wet towel provides just enough dampness to make your bowls gripable (an alternative to a damp towel is a damp sponge, but a sponge has no other purpose in lawn bowling). Between matches, towels can provide cushioning for the bowls in your bag. During the game you can regain your Zen by carefully wiping down your bowl while contemplating your next shot. Its only actual use in the game itself is to provide a spot to put the bowls that score points as you count them (see section on rituals).
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When it comes to type and color, here are some recommendations. The thin microfiber versions are cheap and come in many colors. You can get these at Walmart in the automotive section. They are usually on the small side. An old terry cloth hand towel or a leftover golf towel works well. Cotton dish towels are a bit thin. (I would stay away from the obvious kitchen patterns unless you have a good story why you chose the dancing cows or the corn on the cob pattern.) Matching your towels to your bowls or outfit is a personal choice. It can be a bit matchy-matchy, but at least you will know which one is yours.

You can keep the towel on the bench or in your bag, but there is a 50% chance your towel will be on the far side bench when it is needed. You can hang it from your belt or pocket, but don’t let it interfere with your backswing. Some bowlers keep it on top of their bowls to keep them cool. In all cases, be sure to always know where your towel is (important advice from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy).

Plumbers Crack Not really a problem in lawn bowls and we all want to keep it that way. There is a lot of stooping, squatting, and bending over on the green. And some things you can never un-see. So leave the low rise pants and shorts at home. We will all thank you for it. Maybe get a long tail undershirt. My long sleeve undershirts go almost to my knees. If yours don’t make sure you are wearing an extra-long tail shirt. And get a belt. Baseball belts are basically adjustable elastic straps with a buckle. They are cheap, come in many colors including white, and are super adjustable. Get one at Dicks or online.

Also scary are those almost transparent shorts and pants. Please check your look in the mirror before you force it on the rest of us for god’s sake. Can you see your underwear? Then it is no go. We don’t care how cute the little hearts are. Your mother covered all of this, right?

Finally, the VPL (Visible Panty Line) is a minor transgression for the women, but a level three felony for the guys.

To be continued ……. Next time “The Equipment”